My Past is a Story You Don't Want to Read at Night
by Charlotte Peters
Summary: Jasper is Sent into a panic attack of depression. a mystery girl has been haunting Jasper in his mind.He has no idea who she is but he must find her. He runs in search of his dream-girl with no idea what ot look for. will he ever find her?
1. Chapter 1 Memories Mean Pain

Chapter 1 Goodbye Life

Run. My only thought. I was never one to retreat but, I didn't want to kill Peter and Charlotte. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to have time to think about things. Truly, they were nice but, I wanted a new life; away from they murder of one to sustain another. I wanted a life they could not give me. A life I couldn't actually have either. I knew they wouldn't let me go without a fuss so, I backed out of the most recent hunt. While they were" eating dinner" as it may be said, I took the opportunity to leave. I set a small half-sheet paper on the coffee table explaining why I had gone.

Peter & Charlott,

You were truly great to me. You showed me the life I longed for but thought I could never have. I will owe you eternally. I cannot tell you why I left. I honestly don't know myself. All I know is that I will probably never see you again. If I find whatever it is I am searching for and settle down to a place for any certain amount of time, I hope you will be able to find me. I will do my best to contact you. I would love it if you came to see me in the future. I hope you do not take my leave personally. I still consider us friends and hope that you think of us that way to. You have pulled me from an agonized life with Maria and brought me to a life without constant war. I do not posses words to tell you my eternal gratitude for this. You are the only friends I've ever had in my past life or my current. I am sorry if this causes you any pain. I meant for my leave to be peaceful. Put your hearts and minds to rest. Forget me for I am to t a past wind in an ancient forest, long gone and forgotten. Goodbye and I hope to see you again and you will have the full Jasper meet your acquaintance and not this sad shell of a being. You deserve better than that.

Jasper Whitlock

I blew through the trees. Faster and smoother than the wind that raged from my passage around me. Fleeing farther and farther away from humanity. Deeper into the black forest. I caused human life and my own person existence was excruciating and I could stand it no longer. I pushed myself farther an farther against the forest floor. Away from the constant reminders of what a wretched animal I was. I total ruthless killer. I felt the pain I caused the human race. Literally. I didn't want this. I never asked for it, and now, I would run form myself.


	2. Chapter 2 Mystery Girl

Chapter 2, Mystery Girl

_**P.S. I just wanted to let you know that these are Stephenie Meyer's Characters. You know copyright information and all that jazz. **_

I must have gone 100 miles into the forest before I even slowed my pace a fraction. I slowed, not from dreariness but form lack of will. Not only had I lost my will to move on, I was losing my will to live. I finally collapsed near a huge oak tree. My back slammed into it with my back flat against it. The tree quivered from the impact as I slid down the trunk into a worthless slump at the foot of the tree. My arms fell limp to my sides and I had no will to place them in m heap of a lap. My head slid slowly down the bark until it eventually hit my shoulder. Was my head really that high off my shoulders .I had perfect eyesight. Better than any human, ten times over. I stared into the black abyss with my perfect night-vision and saw nothing there. Nothing but he black hollow of my mind. Into the permanent emptiness of my depression. I could see everything, even in the blackest of nights, true predator. That's what I was, I was a predator. I creature who feasted and brought life from life itself. A creature without a soul. Then why was I having such remorse? The vision of night was not what blocked me from seeing, but the sight of an angel. She was what I wanted. I never saw her, nor did I know if she even existed. I only sensed her presence. I couldn't even sense her in the world around me, just in my inner world.

When most "people" make their own world in their minds, it's a place of happiness. My inner world was nothing of the sort. Instead, it was the real Jasper Whitlock; my true pained suffering, nervous, self. I knew that to be a soldier, a true warrior, I must hide all weaknesses to survive. I trapped the fear and nervousness inside Jasper and lock him away inside the stronger fearless Jasper. I could never, would never show this face to the world. I couldn't. So, I created the Jasper that was unstoppable. _Major _Jasper Whitlock. He had no fear mercy or compassion. I put my disguise on too well and became a true monster. A creature of the night. I had never showed anyone the true me, never. That could never happen. I would never let my guard down. I hid the true me inside me forever. I don't think anybody even knew that he existed. When this angel began to appear in my thoughts, she went to the true me. She knew me enough to know there was more than the killer inside me. I felt this incredible longing for her, to see her, to reach out and touch her so that I knew that she was real. I had never seen her face; I had never heard her voice or heard her name. I knew nothing about her except for my true need for her. The need for her to be real and the need to know where she was. She was an angel, my personal savior from myself. The more I "saw" her, the more I distanced myself from reality. I distanced myself From Peter and Charlotte, form every thing and everyone. The angel danced around in the blind spots of my vision. She never graced me with the sight of her face. I didn't deserve that kind of gift, I was a killer. She danced right out of sight and made me long to turn my head for a glance at her.

I needed nothing but her. The world held no meaning without her in it. I knew that, now that I had faced the truth, I would never find her. This truth cut me like a knife. This pain sent me back to a time with the most pain in my life, it wasn't the same pain, but it was enough pain to make me cry out in agony.


	3. Chapter 3 Changes

Chapter 3 Changes

_**OK so Jasper has been going a little insane and the last line was:**_

_**This pain sent me back to a time with the most pain in my life, it wasn't the same pain, but it was enough pain to make me cry out in agony. PS. If the writing is in italics, he is having a memory. Sorry about the long memory scene, I just really wanted to write it.**_

_She leaned closer to me. I stiffened. She was so beautiful and yet, I felt that she was dangerous. She parted her lips, closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply. She let her breath out slowly and contentedly. As it seeped across my skin, it left a path of goose bumps all along my neck. It was a sickly sweet and cold as ice. It added to the essence of fear. Her breath trailed up my neck until it filled my ear. Her lips caressed the bottom of my earlobe_

" _I truly hope you survive Jasper. I like you."_

_Her lips tickled my ear as she spoke. Her icy breath froze the side of my face. She pressed her lips to the side of my neck. I remained rigid but I noticed the miraculous texture of her lips. They were smooth but not at all delicate or fragile. They were just as cold as the frigid night air._

_I felt a pinch from under her lips. This was definitely not a mere kiss. I had never been superstitious but, as this strange girl bit harder and harder on my neck, I was unsure. I began to have a horrible stabbing pain in my neck in place of the pinch and I felt my body go limp from what was probably blood-loss from the wound in the main artery of my neck. Instead of the cold peace that is supposed to come with death, I felt my veins surge with fire._

My mind skipped to later that horrid night. Why was I doing this to myself? Wasn't I already in enough pain without being forced to relive this most accursed day?

_I had gone unconscious from the pain. The girl that I met earlier, who had bit me, must have been an undercover enemy soldier. I wasn't familiar with using women in war, I was used to protecting them and getting them out of harms way. I must admit that is was a tricky maneuver. I crunch d my eyes shut against the enveloping pain. I could feel the cool and steadfast restraints holding me to a large metal table like the ones in the operating rooms at the hospitals. I figured that I must be a prisoner of war. They were torturing me with a new drug that they girl injected into me when she kissed me. They must want military secrets. I was true to my troops. I could not betray them in this matter. They could torture me all they wanted; they wouldn't get a word out of me. _

"_I'll never tell you anything. Just kill me. There's no point in trying to get me to talk. I would never betray a fellow man that way. Stop the fire! That's all I ask. Stop the fire or kill me!" I stopped only because of the howl of pure agony that screeched through my charred chest._

_I could hardly force audible and distinguishable words from between my teeth. Sweat was beading on my forehead and rolling down my neck from the exertion of my thrashing away from the fire._

"_Why do you torture me so? Let me die. I can't stand this any longer. No matter how long you torture me, I will never even utter a word," I squeezed between pants of stressed breathing._

_Suddenly I heard her giggle. The girl I met on the road found humor in his situation._

"_Ahh, silly Jasper. You will never die. Not now. We don't want your secrets. I'm sorry it hurts so much but, it will be over soon."_

"_What will be over soon?! Why are you doing this to me if not to gain my knowledge?! I demand answers!"_

_The three girls had begun a conversation while I was ranting. I figured out that the leader of the group and the girl I met in the alley was named Maria._

" _All in good time. All I can tell you right now is that you are becoming a God. Something much more powerful than any human. You want power don't you?"_

" _I don't think so. Not bad enough to endure this pain. I don't believe in that religion stuff. Even if I did, I hear a God cannot be anything close to human. "I stopped my rant for only a few moments as a stronger wave of fire ripped through my body. My whole body turned rigid against it and my spine arched off the table and against my restraints. My body was convulsing in udder pain. I let out a few more breathless grunts of pure agony. Only then did I really look down at the belts that held my wrists and ankles to the table. They were in fact the hands of Maria's friends. I strained against their hands. I was pulling and writhing against them. They were only meek, young women after all, I could escape their grasps. I tried to twist my body away from them. I rolled and pulled with all my might. All my pulling and chances at escape came to no avail. The women restraining me didn't even seem to show that I was putting up a fight! The drug that burned me must have also made me incredibly weak._

"_I don't know who you are, what you've done to me, or why I'm here, but I'm not of any use to you as I've explained to you. Let this misery leave me! End this most horrid of tortures!"_

"_Oh Jasper, I'm afraid I can't do that. Besides, the transformation is almost complete."_

"_What transformation?! What have you done to me?!" I pulled even harder and more frantically against the girls' hands. My body shook and seethed wildly. _

"_Calm down Jasper." She turned her head toward the tall blonde girl at my ankles "He's getting stronger Nettie, he's almost done." Then, she directed her question to the girl with beach blonde hair at my wrists "Careful Lucy, you know how it is with newborns. They get their arms around you and you're done for."_

" _Newborn?! Newborn what?!! Tell me! I need to know. What transformation is almost complete?!"_

"_You are becoming a newborn vampire."_

My eyes fluttered open as if from a nightmare. I hadn't been sleeping, just losing touch with reality. That was the moment I realized the terrible creature I was damned to be for eternity. That was the worst day of my existence, which goes without saying. That's when I discovered what I was always going to be. A vampire. It wouldn't' be so horrible if I had someone. Not just someone. I knew who I wanted. Who I needed. I wanted the girl who hopped in and out of my mind periodically. She was to fast for even me to see her. I wasn't even sure that she existed outside of my head. I had never seen her. I had never heard her voice. All I knew of her was that I needed her, with every fiber of my existence. She had to exist. The only reason I even knew about her was that I cod sense her presence all around me and yet, only inside my head. I began to notice her hovering around my thoughts was when I began to question Maria's authority and when I eventually left her, Peter, and Charlotte. I think that this girl was the reason that I distance myself from… Maria. I could hardly think her name without filling with rage and disgust. I had no doubt that the happiness the mystery girl made me feel overshadowed even the largest amount of joy that Maria had ever shown me. This girl overshadowed the happiness that anyone had ever shown me. I needed to find the joy only she could show me. That why I ran into the black abyss of the forest.

I was searching. Searching every corner of the earth for the girl that enlightened every part of my existence she touched. I was searching for the shadow of the girl in my mind. Even the smallest amount of her was worth more to me than the universe itself. I had no idea how this creature had such supreme power over me when I had never even seen her. She had the power to make me search for a shadow in pure blackness. I knew deep inside that I would never finder her. Never.

I still had to try.


	4. Chapter 4 The Library in Alexandria

_**If you want to see chapter 5, I expect a ton of reviews. I'm taking a page out of the book of a friend of mine. If you don't review a ton you won't ever see chapter 5. And let me tell you, you want to read it. It's going to be the best chapter so far.**_

Chapter 4 the Library In Alexandria

I was only partially aware of the damp grass beneath me. My legs were curled up next to my right side. I had my arms sprawled out lazily out next to me. Feeding caused me so much grief, I tried to survive without it. I knew I couldn't kill myself, but I was pretty close to being dead right now. I willed my arm towards the sky. I lifted it until my hand was about six inches from my face. It sparkled more dully than usual, from the golden sunlight in the clearing. As I looked at my sparkling skin, my hand began to quiver. I was so weak that I couldn't even lift my hand in the air without getting a little tired. Vampires were strong. I knew that better than anyone. We had unlimited strength, or so I thought. I was very taken a-back by the tremor of my hand. It must have been about three months since I fed last. I was entirely helpless to a vampire attack. I knew that I would still have enough strength to fight against my next meal, but that was pretty much it.

I dropped my hand to the ground and I heard it thud back into the grass next to me. I laid there completely and utterly motionless. I did not think I could lose so much energy. How thankful I know was for the small fact that, being a vampire, I didn't need to waste time with human activities. I could lie here for eternity, and right now, that's all I want to do. Really, I felt like I had no choice in the matter. In my current state, I probably couldn't even stand on my own.

The fire in the back of my throat wasn't exactly something to ignore. It hurt so much. Occasionally, I would even grunt audibly at the pain. It hurt more than it ever had. It was all I could think about. The worst part was I was doing this to myself. I knew what I had to do to end the pain. I had to feed. I was at war with myself. I could tell the real part of me didn't want to feed on human blood. The part of me that thought it was wrong. I also knew that I needed to eat. I _needed_ to, but I didn't _want_ to. It was more than the fact that I didn't want to, it felt weird to. I felt _remorse_ for what I was doing. This was not something I was supposed to feel. No other vampire I knew felt bad about killing human. I needed answers. I needed answers from somewhere else because I wasn't getting anywhere on my own.

I sat there fore a few more minutes gathering my strength. It took every ounce of strength I had to get to my feet. I was going to look for a fellow vampire to explain why I was feeling this way.

I pushed my feet against the hard ground. I couldn't accomplish a speed faster than a trudge. I stumbled and fell often.

I fell into the mud again and struggled to stand back up. I gripped the bark of a near-by tree and pulled myself to my feet. I began to walk again with a new-found limp. I was feeling so weak and… and…. Human. After spending about 50 years as a vampire, any feeling of being human felt very strange. I was so used to being indestructible that, with every fall, I felt more and more pathetic than before. I needed to find some sort of peace in answers. The last town greeting sign indicated that I was in Louisiana, and I was sure that I still was.

The last city I stopped in was Lafayette when I was with Peter and Charlotte. When I left I ran East. When I hit the Mississippi River, I didn't feel like drawing attention to myself by swimming across it so, I went North. I was trying to avoid public view as much as possible. When I finally collapsed, I was pretty sure I started to head West when I was looking for another vampire.

I had been moving along the side of a river I didn't know the name of for a few days now. My strength was at an all-time low and my senses were not their best either. I could feel myself deteriorating from the inside out. Even with my hearing as horrible as it was, I could hear the bustle of city traffic. I could hear the loud ruckus of a near-by steam train. I quickened pace as much as I could. I was by civilization. I can't believe how moronic I was to forget my incredible thirst.

I arrived at the edge of town at about 5 a.m. most of the townspeople were asleep and there was nobody on the street at the moment. The sun was beginning to rise and I needed a place to escape the sunlight. The nearest building was small, wooden, shabby and aged. Out front there was a sign that read "Alexandria Public Catholic Library". That must mean I was in the town of Alexandria., Louisiana. I ran to the back door to find it locked. It was a modest wooden door with a single curtained window in the top section. The whole building must have been as old as me for the paint was chipped, the lace curtains were yellowed, and the brass door knob was tarnished. I gave the doorknob a slight jostle and the door broke open. I walked into the dark and dank back room where they kept all the books that needed to be put back on the shelves. The morning light was just starting to peak through the window of a door in front of me at eh opposite side of the room. I looked at he door and decided that it must lead to the front room where all the books were. The light that came through the window was weak and it hardly made a mark on the dark floor beneath the door. I thought, since I was trying to look for more on my kind, I could use some of the library books and do some research. There probably wouldn't be a lot of truth in these books but it was worth a try. As I looked through the window, I only saw three windows that were all very small and had dark and heavy curtains that were closed. I decided nobody would be able to see me if I went into the front room. I walked quietly along the floor, as to not disturb the silence. I reached out

and opened the door just a crack and peered out, just to make sure I was not in public view. As I searched the dark room, a flicker of candlelight met my eyes. I hoped it was nothing more than a candle left from closing the previous day. If it were another vampire, I would surely be killed. I didn't think it was because; a vampire wouldn't need a candle. If it were human, I didn't know what might happen.

I opened the door a few inches further and stuck my head in the gap. I heard a delicate hum come from the front room. The creak from the door had startled the hummer and the humming stopped and started up a few seconds later. I opened the door a few feet wider and stepped through the threshold.

A few isles of books over stood a veiled woman. She must have been a postulant working here as part of her holy orders. She was filing books onto a shelf while humming a happy tune that sounded like some of the songs I heard when I was a child coming from the church.

I hadn't been aware that I wasn't breathing. The girl was so beautiful. She turned around and I gasped and snuck behind a near bookshelf. I gasped a little as I realized that meant I was spying on her. The gasp was a mistake. As the first wave of her perfumed blood hit me, I dug my nails into the wood of the bookshelf. I looked around the corner at the girl again. As she turned around to face the books again, a fresh wave hit me. This one was stronger and I lost control of myself as the creature in me took completely over. This was the cure for my suffering and I couldn't hold it off any longer. I remembered the incredible burning sensation in the back of my throat that increased in heat from the scent of her blood. I needed human blood and her's was pure and smelled delicious. It smelled of roses and honey. It called to me in a way I couldn't resist.

In that moment, I lost all traces of humanity that were ever inside me. An ear piercing howl ripped through my chest. The girl was so startle at the sound, she dropped the arm-load of books she had to the ground and looked around desperately for the cause of the noise. I growled again and sprung from my crouch at the side of the book case. I flew through the air straight at my target. I was the most animalistic that I had ever been. She gasped as I came into sight. I flew right into her throwing up against the bookshelf. I couldn't imagine what she was thinking as I lunged at her again. I could only taste the slightest twinge of fear that radiated off of her. I ignored my power to feel anything and I thought of nothing but the kill.

Her breathing quickened and her heart beat faster with adrenaline. I landed in a completely graceful and natural crouch in front of her. She clasped her hands in front of her and looked toward the sky with closed eyes. She was muttering something that was probably a prayer. Another growl poured from my lips and she began a light sob and her prayer slowed. I pounced on her and her body hit the floor. Her words melted into a cry of fear. I couldn't stand it any longer. I grabbed her shoulders with one hand and her back with the other. I forced her up to me.

"Please don't do this. Please," she whimpered in a last attempt.

I said nothing as the flames engulfed my body. I grabbed at her neck and pulled it closer to me. I sunk my razor sharp teeth into her neck. The pain made her shriek, but I felt nothing. It was quickly cut off as she died in my arms. I ate hungrily and greedily. My fingers dug into her back as I clutched her closer to my mouth. I gulped in as much as I could. Her body grew heavier and heavier as the last drops of life left her. As soon as she was drained, I dropped her to the floor. I stared at her as the reality of what happened hit me. I stepped back and looked at what I had done. I began to pant from exhilaration that I didn't want. My eyes opened as wide as they would go. I was crazed at the realization of what happened. I could just imagine the devastating crimson of my irises. The last drop of blood rolled from the corner of my lip, down my chin and landed on the tattered cover of a book she dropped. It splashed and stained the brown aged cover. My whole body shook with disgust and self-loathing. How could I have murdered so violently a woman of holy orders? I must be a soulless creature of an evil most pure.

I ran away from the scene of the murder. I stormed through the door. The wind from my passage blew a few stray pieces of hair from her lifeless face and blew out the candle. The flame went out, just like the flame of her life; snuffed out by my own hand.

_**Sorry about the long wait for the chapter. I haven't been home much lately. I'm disappointed, I don't have many story views. Please tell your friends about my story. I also want your feedback so, leave reviews!**_


	5. Chapter 5 Death and Destruction

_**I am so deeply sorry readers that it's been so long since I had a new chapter. I have so much work I haven't even checked my email. You guys come first. Technically, I should be doing homework now, but who needs it! I love you all, especially my reviewers and those who tell others about my story. Love U!**_

Chapter 5 Death and Destruction

I ran out the back door and into the shade of the alley behind the library. I put my palms to the side of my face and pushed my temples together. What had I done? I just killed an innocent young girl! I killed her violently and mercilessly. I had killed before, but never like this. I usually did it with grace and as painless as possible. Not this time. This time I was a brute and thought not of what she felt. How could I have done this? I couldn't live with this always on my mind. I had to get over myself. I was a vampire long under-fed. It was my fault for letting myself get this way. It was what a vampire did, they killed people. I decided I needed some well rounded advice. I would travel from town to town until I found the information I so desperately needed. I decided that if I was going to be by a human without killing them, I should completely quench my thirst. I stepped out of the shade and looked at he ground. The dirt shimmered and danced with hundreds of little rainbows cast by the skin on my hands and face. I flipped the hood of my long jacket over my head and stuck my hands in the pockets of my jeans. I took another step and popped the collar on my jacket to cover my neck. I looked down again and started my journey.

I walked forward and tilted my head slightly to the sun. it was a little past mid-point, meaning it was probably about 1p.m. my eyes adjusted to the light immediately as I looked away from my shadow into the light of day. I was going to head up east. In my days with Peter and Charlotte, I heard them talk about an old and powerful coven in New Orleans that knew a lot about our kind. I could run there, but it would take a long time and be very conspicuous. A faster mode of transportation would be a train. I was headed to a big town so I figured they had a train route to there.

If I was going to be in a tight, enclosed, area with humans (without massacring the whole lot of them) I would need to hunt.

I walked down the side of the main street, kicking up large clouds of orange dust around me. The people walking on the sidewalk just stared at me. They were confused and intimidated, just as they should be. I began to fill with the familiarly bitter and ghastly taste of extreme angst. These happy townsfolk were just living perfectly normal lives, and I was about to take all that away from a few of them. I began to scope out my next victims. I chose some measly beggars that were camped out in an alley. They weren't talking to each other and nobody was talking to them. They were older and seemed to have no friends or family. I was trying to pick people that wouldn't be missed and wouldn't cause grief for anyone. These people, hopefully, wouldn't be missed at all.

I cringed at eh thought of what I was about to do. I clenched my teeth together and shuffled onward. I took a few more painfully long steps and rounded the alley. I took a last breath of air and finished turning the corner.

The only way I could even bear to look at what I was about to do was I knew that if I could get my thirst under control, I could keep myself from killing every member on the bus. Yes I could live with the fact I would be killing three instead of a few hundred. The three of them were only visible from a certain angle on the road. Still, they were visible and their screams would be audible. This meant I would have to lure them away from town into a concealed area. Unfortunately, thinking time was over, I was standing in front of them. I hated doing this. I smiled alluringly and made my voice melt over every letter like honey. A honey with a drop of poison.

" Good morning," my voice dripped over every syllable.

" What's it to you?" the man said gruffly, drawing attention to me from the other two women next to him.

" I was just wondering…" what now!" Iiif you wanted to help me haul some wood, for pay of course," their faces lit up at that.

" How much pay are we talking?" the man huffed in his scruffy voice.

" Oh William, be nice. This man is going to give us some of the money we need" the woman was nice and had a kind voice.

" We really need the money Will." The other woman begged.

" Fine, we'll go" the man grunted.

" Excellent" I hoped my true sadness and disgust didn't show through on my face.

We traipsed deeper and deeper into the forest that was conveniently located behind the alley. I could feel the man's boredom and the women's uncertainty and curiosity.

" Don't worry, it won't be much longer until we get there." I hope they didn't hear the last part of my words crack. The man grumbled something I couldn't understand and moved along. I cringed as I saw the sight of the town fade and the forest getting darker. I lumbered along the ground full o fallen trees and low branches while the others followed behind me clumsily.

I weaved through the branches skillfully while the others stumbled along behind me. With every step, I could tell it was getting darker, while the foliage blocked out the sun. I suddenly realized that the floor of the forest was very hard to navigate for my traveling companions. I turned around and held their hands as they climbed over a few more fallen trees. The man grabbed my hand gruffly and grunted at the fact he needed help. The first woman smiled and ambled over. The second woman said "Thank you so much deary." and smiled at me as well. I clenched my teeth and eyes shut at myself. Why did they have to be so nice and polite? Couldn't I have at least picked out some grouches? No matter, it was to late now. I would just have to bear it. I smiled back, hoping I hadn't offended her. She grinned again and continued to walk.

I took the last step to the edge of the clearing. I walked on the steady ground of the meadow clearing and waited for the others. The old man helped the two ladies over the last tree and then, the sun broke through on their faces. They were panting a little and they were covered in new scratches and mud. It made me feel even worse that I was making them work for their deaths. I closed my eyes and took in a breath of fresh air, in an attempt to clear my head of the raging thoughts. It worked a little. I turned on my heel with an appealing smile on my face. I stood there, facing their innocent grinning faces. My stomach churned in anticipation for food and the coming pain that would haunt the coming night's silence.

"So, where's the work?" the gruff man asked as he looked around at the barren clearing.

" I am so sorry for this. I really don't want to, I just don't have another choice. It's nothing personal it's just that…" I was beginning to ramble.

"Sorry for what deary?" the kind old woman asked affectionately.

" I am sorry for what I am about to do. I am so deeply sorry." The cracks in my voice were accompanied by a hard tremor.

The puzzled faces looked from one to the other trying to decipher what I just said. The breeze blew through the meadow's grass and blew their scent towards me. I didn't want to scare them any more than I had to. I lowered into the familiar crouch and sighed.

I lunged at the old woman who was squarely in front of me. I landed strattled over her before she knew what was happening and broke her neck. I could feel the crunch of the vertebrae and I could fell the sudden weight of her body. The others scattered in an attempt to flee. I chased after the other screaming woman. My vampire speed caught up with hers in a second and I killed her like the first. It was the most painless way I knew how. I dropped her body to the forest floor and hurled through the air to the man. I landed on his back and pushed his chin to the side. He, to, died. Only then did I begin to feed. I didn't want them to go through the horrible pain of vampire venom surging through their veins. I remembered what it was like. I also knew I wouldn't be able to handle their shrieks of pain.


	6. Chapter 6 Waiting and Wishing

Chapter 6

_Alice's POV_

I hurried down the busy Philadelphia street trying to get to my home. This city is so much larger than my home town of Biloxi. Philadelphia was more than five times larger than Biloxi, not only in square miles, but in population too. There were, literally, about a million more people here. I had lived here for about a year now, but it still astounded me. The scent of a human was a little too much. After all, I had only been a vampire for about four years now. From what I could observe, I was doing extraordinarily well for an unguided vampire of my age. I took pride in my self control. Shoved between about twenty people would drive a regular vampire into sheer rampage. I couldn't stand it for long. I hopped on a near-by trolley car to get away from the close quarters.

I wrapped my long and manicured hand around the gold bar that ran the height of the trolley car. I could feel the warmth left on the bar from the person previously holding on to it. My hand started to tingle and I felt it reach up my arm. Once again, I must reject my true nature. I was now beginning to understand why most vampires chose lives of solitude. I gripped the bar tighter and held my breath. I didn't want to make this any harder for…. I stumbled back and gripped the bar with both hands. I was inconveniently hit with a vision of Jasper. He was doing the same thing as I was, almost. I smiled with the warmth the visions of him always brought me.

He was finally beginning his, or I should say _about to,_ start his journey that would lead him to me! I was so thrilled, I almost yelled. My Jasper was finally coming to me! I knew it would take him about a year, but I couldn't help get excited. My happiness was suddenly drowned out by his agony. He was trapped in an air-tight train on his way to New Orleans. I couldn't bear to see him like this. It was so hard for him. UGH!! I could really and truly KILL Maria for doing this to him. If it weren't for her…never mind, it didn't change anything. It was hard for me to block that vision, I felt like I had to be with him. Never the less, I had to wait for my stop. I gritted my teeth and pushed him away.

I stepped off the car and back into the jumbled mess of people. Thankfully, it was only a few blocks to "The Rittenhouse Square Hotel and Suites". It was a cheap and elegant place to stay. I didn't like to stay in the lower class places. I liked living the high life. It may sound a little vain, but I felt that I deserved to live with the rest of the rich people. I didn't like to think of my past, the barren field of which I awoke to, or how poor and unappreciated I was back then. I could still feel the pain that dripped from the open wound of the institution.

I shook my head to try and dislodge the horrid memory. I wished I could get rid of it! Sometimes, excellent memory isn't that great. As a very wise person once told me, "You can't un-know something, It's with you forever." I wished this wasn't true. It was and so I must deal with it.

In the process of all my deep thinking, I had reached the front door of my hotel. The hotel was older than me by a long shot. History interested me so; I knew that it was built in the late 17th century. I thought that was really neat. The doors were gold-edged with huge glass plates to fill in the gaps. Fredrich the door man was clutching a wide, cylindrical gold handle and pulled the door wide open for me when I approached him.

"Good day Alice. Aren't we looking ravishing today?" Fredrich cooed. I did a small curtsy and replied,

"Why, thank you Fredrich. I like your new uniform, it matches your complexion."

"Thanks, I like it better too. Well, I'll see you later."

"Goodbye and see you later." I smiled.

My black pumps gave off a reassuring click with every step on the hard, marble, tiles. I slipped my arms through the silk lining on my velvet, floor-length, short-armed coat and hung it over my arm. I especially liked how the ermine white fur offset the black velvet. I was beginning to develop a deep love of fashion. Everyone gawked at my new dress. It was also black, floor length, short sleeved, and gorgeous. The black was complimented by a thick, white, lace, collar. I just got this dress and it was already becoming my favorite one. I mean nobody could deny that the coat, dress, and shoes went together remarkably well. I was really beginning to love fashion.

I clicked my way through the lobby and to the gold elevator. Just like everything else in this hotel, it was grand, pricey, and magnificent. It was a setting fit for a queen. I looked at the black marble wall and spotted the 'up' button for the elevator. The light beneath the plastic went on and the elevator doors opened with a ding. I stepped into the mirrored elevator and waited for the doors to close. I also liked that the lighting was stylish. There's nothing worse than a stylish hotel with tacky lighting. I pushed the button for the eighth floor and felt the elevator start to rise toward my designated destination. I wiggled my heel into the white marble tiles on the ground. I was really impatient and I was certain that it had something to do with the vision I was going to have once I got back to my room. The doors slid back open with another ding and I stepped onto the short-weave crimson carpet. My heels didn't make such a loud racket on this level. I strode swiftly towards my white Dutch doors and stuck my elegant golden key into the matching whimsical lock and opened the door.

I absolutely loved the hotel suites here! They were elegant but easy to relax in. I had no use for most of the rooms but that was okay. I didn't need the kitchen at all, the bathroom only to apply make-up and check out my outfits, and the bedroom was for relaxing and reading mainly. I still loved the place. It was more like an apartment than a hotel room. It was chic and classy. All the furniture was white and the carpet and walls were beige. The earth tones were offset with a hint of smoked red and maroon.

I flopped onto the plush queen sized bed and began to call the vision back to me. I loved the visions of Jasper. They made me feel as though I were with him. I could tell that he had a slight inkling of knowledge that I existed. That is very perceptive. I knew I couldn't tell if someone was watching my future. I wasn't sure how it worked, he just knew. I was distracted by his ever-growing pain and frustration. It wasn't as easy for Jasper as it was for me around humans. It was even harder for him than almost any other vampire. You see, he knew how it was to kill someone in cold blood (if you excuse the pun). He could hardly control the urge to kill everyone on that train. He knew he would be caught and he would be asked questions that he dare not answer. I guess it was self-preservation that held him back. He was standing in an enclosed train car. It seemed to be wood. It was full with row after row of wooden benches. He was standing next to them because every bench already had one person, and he didn't want to be that close to a human. He was holding his breath and concentrating on what he would do in New Orleans. He was planning to find a vampire that night, ask them about the all-knowing vampires there, meet them, feed, get on another train and head to the place they would send him, in search of more knowledge. He didn't really know the last part. I could tell he was grateful to have my presence there with him. I was happy I could help in any way possible. His teeth were gritted and every muscle in his body was rigid.

_You can do this Jasper, I know you can. Just hang on a little longer. You can do it. You can do it._ I thought towards him. I didn't know if he made out the whole message, but I saw his body relax a little and then tighten again. I sighed, at least I brought him a moment of calm. I nestled into the warmth of the vision and sat there, pretending to by in his strong grasp.

_How much longer do I have to wait for him? How much more can I take?_


	7. Chapter 7 Louis and Claudia

Chapter 7

Louis and Claudia

_**Sorry you guys for my lack of posting and author comments. I am kinda disappointed in you. I only have like ten reviews total. I am now withholding Chapter 8 until I get at least four, good, solid, reviews. More is great. I will not post the chapter without them, so review or else. Love you!!**_

_**XOXO,**_

_**Charlotte**_

__I stepped off the train and took in the smell of New Orleans. It was nice to be in open air. I had taken a train from Alexandria to Lafayette and then to Kenner and finally on to New Orleans. It was long and tiring. I had to hunt between connections and it stressed me to hunt so close to the city. I was finally in the fresh and open air. I took a huge lungful of air and let it out as slowly and completely as possible. The day was partly cloudy so I popped the hood on my brown leather jacket. It was a little worn but it worked and I liked it. I walked down the concourse and checked my bag out of the gate. I was finally at a starting point. I was in New Orleans.

The rest of the world kind of made fun of the people of New Orleans for their beliefs in the supernatural. I found it kinda ironic because they knew so many real facts about it for instance, they knew about ghost, magic, and vampires. They knew vampires existed but, most people didn't know what they looked like and those who did knew not to confront one. This was comforting.

I knew about a little magic shop owner that knew about the vampires I was searching for. All I knew was that there names were Louis and Claudia and they could help me. Apparently Louis was turned by a vampire that raised him to the more violent hunt. Louis thought it was wrong and went off on his own. He fell in love with a human girl by the name of Claudia. He loved her so much that in a moment of blind passion, he changed her. She was so furious at him for changing him into a monster, she left. They could only stay apart too long before they came looking for each other. It took a long time but, she finally forgave him. I asked a passer-by for the address of the magic shop and started my way there.

***

I pushed the shop door aside and the bell overhead gave a quiet tinkle. I walked in and looked around. There was the usual magic stuff; eye of new, toe of dog, lion teeth, sulfur, and spell books. I looked around and saw a plump man sitting behind a desk reading the paper. He looked up and smiled,

"The name's Joe, what can I do you for sir?" He looked about thirty years old and a little bored.

"I was told you were the vampire expert in town."

"Ya' heard right. Whatcha need to know?" he eyed me curiously, probably because of my age.

"Are you afraid of vampires?"

"Well, no not the good ones."

"There are no good ones," I said under my breath.

"Why do you ask?"

"No reason. Do you know what they look like?"

"Well, you don't get to be a vampire expert without knowing what a vampire looks like!"

"hump," I tried to laugh. "That makes sense"

"What do you want? These are a little bit of some pointed questions. So, stop beating around the bush and come right out and ask me what you want to know."

"Do you know where I could find Louis and Claudia?" the man burst into laughter.

"I don't think you should go there boy. I don't know if you got the message, but vampires suck human blood and it kills you. Louis and Claudia happen to be vampires. Do you see where I'm going with this?" I was growing impatient.

"I am about to tell you something that jeopardizes my life and consequentially your life. If you so much as repeat the most insignificant word from our little chat, I _will_ find out and I _will_ kill you. Do you see where _I'm _ going with this.?" I had to be harsh; it was the only way to ensure that he would keep quiet.

Joe gulped and nodded, "Out with it, I'm ready."

I talked as slowly as possible letting my words sink in, "I am a Vampire. A true undead soul that walks the night. I am not good nor am I evil. Kapeesh?"

He gulped and sighed again, "I hope you realize, I'm taking a lot on faith."

I raised my eyebrow and smiled at him, letting the light glint menacingly off my teeth, "So, are you going to tell me what I need to know the easy way or the hard way?"

Joe got frantic, "No no no, I'll tell you whatever you want just don't hurt me!"

"I pretty sure I'm the only one giving orders here,"

"Yes whatever you say! I can tell you where I think Louis and Claudia are!"

"_I_ think you had better be sure."

"Oh, yes, very sure" he stuttered.

"Shoot"

"Well, last I heard, they were living in an abandoned mansion on the outskirts of town."

"That's better, and where can I find this mansion?"

He laid out a map and pointed to a little side road. "Here, just go a quarter mile west at the end of the town."

"Thanks, be seeing you." I rolled up the map and walked out of the store.

I looked at the map for a minute, memorized the route, then through the map to the wind. I took a step out, looked for my first street sign and I was off.

***

I had come to the edge of town and walked a quarter of a mile to the west and I was looking for an abandoned mansion. Joe's sense of distance wasn't great but it got me close enough. I could see it about another half mile away. I eyed the direction and took off like a shot. Running was actually one of the only parts of being a vampire I enjoyed. I loved the wind blowing against my face, whistling in my ears, and making my blonde curly tangles even messier. When I arrived, I was disappointed it was over. I was feeling exhilarated. I took in a huge gulp of country air. God I missed Texas.

I walked up the front steps to the old gray house. The paint was peeling and it looked just as an allegedly abandoned mansion should, it looked abandoned. There was big blue green knocker on the French doors at the front of the house. The whole house stank of death and felt like pain. I shuddered and reached for the knocker. I wouldn't want to live here but I guess they really had no choice. I picked it up and slammed it down on the door, before I had a chance to knock a second time; a man was at the door. I presumed it was Louis.

"What do you want", he asked bitterly. He sniffed at me. "Oh, one of us I see," his anger seemed to back off a little.

"Yes, I need to speak to you and Claudia for a few minutes."

"What for?" he asked skeptically.

"I heard you two were knowledgeable on the subject of other vampires and their behavior. I thought you may be able to help me with some things,"

"I might." He said gruffly. "Come on in".

A woman's voice came from upstairs, "Who's here Louis?"

"Some Guy wanting help."

She suddenly appeared right in front of me, "I'm Claudia and he's Louis. Who might you be?" she seemed to be in a much better mood Louis.

"I'm Jasper Whitlock ma'am" I took off my hat and dipped my head in the presence of a lady.

She giggled, "Seem's as though we have us a well-raised southern boy, Louis."

"Yes ma'am, born and raised in Texas"

"Well, what seems to be your problem Jasper?" Claudia asked as she lead us to the living room.

"Well, I don't really know actually…" I could feel Claudia's concern and it made me a little uncomfortable.

"Try and find something, otherwise I don't know what's going on." Louis left the room and I was left with Claudia.

"Well, I seem to be having problems feeding. I tried to just go without food until I was as close as I can get to being dead to avoid killing someone. I used to be in the vampire wars down south..." that made me shutter at the memories I had tried so hard to forget entirely.

" Oh…" she muttered. She had obviously heard of them.

"Well, I had no problem killing vampires, people, anything. In fact, I sort of enjoyed it. It's hard to describe the power you feel when you kill someone. You take away everything this person had in mere seconds. The power to snuff out the light of another person's being. There is such a rush. Such a feeling of power. I would kill someone and go on a sort of high on ecstasy. It made me feel like a God. In a way, I was. My partner and I had many city's under our power. I could kill whoever I wanted whenever I wanted and it never mattered." I sighed in a sick way that made me feel horrible. "Oh God, you wouldn't believe the power. Then I suddenly started to have these feelings like there was always someone with me; an angel perhaps. Her presence is and was overpowering. I have no knowledge of her, just the sense of her presence. It made me feel bad now to kill people. It got so bad, I had to run away with a few of my old friends. After awhile, I couldn't even be around them. So, I left. I wanted answers. This is why I'm here and begging for your help." She sat in silent thought for awhile pondering what I had said.

"I have never come across such a case. I have dedicated many years to the study of vampire behavior. This new life scared me but, now it interests me. Like I said, this is very strange. I do believe you though. I have always had a sense when it comes to people lying. I can just tell. The part that I find the most curios is the mysterious presence you feel. She seems to be the reason for this mood changing."

I was growing a little nervous. At least I knew I wasn't crazy. That was comforting. "Do you think the presence is evil? Like a poltergeist or ghost of some sort?"

"No, I don't believe it is. I was thinking more along the lines of a human conscience. It's not the same as a conscience from birth. I feel there is someone looking for you."

"Do you think this person means me harm?" I was phasing into defense and attack mode.

"On the contrary, I think she may want to help you. So you have any idea who she might be?"

"Not a clue. That was part of what was odd to me. How does this person know who I am and I have no idea who they are? Especially that this person knows me so much that care about me and care if I develop a good conscience." I was growing weary of the tough questions. I felt like I was talking to a physiatrist.

"Well, I am no expert on anything but; it's probably another vampire looking for you. I have heard of some pretty powerful vampires lately; they can read your mind, see your future, cause you mental pain that feels physical, all sorts of things. I have not heard of one that could project their being into another's thought and I'm pretty sure I would have if there was such a person. Maybe this person doesn't even know they're doing it."

This puzzled me, I didn't know what to think. Was there someone using there special powers to contact me and give me a conscience? If this was the case, I wished they stopped, or at least eased up a little. As it stood, I couldn't feed at all with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. It quite literally may be killing me…I still knew I couldn't die but it sure felt like I was dying. It was the only way to describe the feeling of being so thirsty it hurt to move. "I need to find this person and stop them. Where are they?"

"I don't know exactly. You may want to think this over. Maybe, in time, having a conscience wouldn't be so bad."

"No, you don't understand!" I was growing frantic and my voice quavered and cracked "I _need_ this to stop. I can't hunt without a feeling of pain and guilt so strong I feel like killing myself. Then, when I don't hunt, I am in constant pain for the taste of blood." I reached across the coffee table and clutched her arm. "You _must_ help me. Please. You are my last hope for sanity. Please." I never said please.

Her face looked a little anxious because of my grasp on her arm and the look of horror and pain on my face. "Well there is one person…"

I stared deeply into her eyes in the most pleading manor possible. "Please." I whispered as my voice cracked again.

Just then Louis came down the stairs, "Everything alright Claude?" he asked eyeing my pointedly.

"No, no everything's fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Ya," she winked and he glided out of the room. I could feel his concern and tension as he analyzed me. I didn't blame him. Besides, it was sweet that he cared so much.

"There is a man I know of in Virginia. He can locate anyone you search for. All you have to do is let him touch your hand while you think about the person you search very hard. When I wished to reconnect with Louis it was this man who showed me the way. His name is LeStat. The Voulturi wanted him in their order and were, and still are, willing to force him to join. He refused so know he is in hiding. If he finds out that it was I who put his hiding place at risk…" she looked very nervous and kept looking over her shoulder as if he would jump out at her at any minute. "Well, let's just say that he's the best of trackers and would have no problem finding and doing away with Louis and I." She finished with a shudder.

"He could never force me to utter a word if it would put you at risk. Thank you for your help. Do you have any idea where I might find him?"

"Well, my memory of him is sketchy at best. I was going through a lot when I went to him for help. I am pretty sure that he lives under the Main Street Church of the Covenant. He figured to would be the last place the Voulturi would look. If you can't find him, I don't know what to do next. Follow your heart. That's the best I can do for you. Good luck."

"I am eternally grateful the generosity you have shown me today. Any time in the future, feel free to ask me whatever you wish and I will help you." I kissed her on the hand. "I really must go. Just remember, anything you ever need and I'll come."

"Thank you."

"The thanks are all mine." With that, I stood up and walked to the door. "I thank you both for your hospitality."

Louis appeared at my side. "Come back anytime." He said in a flat tone as he opened the door. I could tell he didn't mean it.

I walked out with so much more knowledge than I thought I would gain. For once in a very long time, I felt a little happy. I knew exactly what I would do. I would go directly to LeStat and beg him for his help. I wasn't used to begging but, I had to use desperate measures. I wasn't quite sure where the train station was. I planned on walking around until I found it. Today was looking up. I was glad that I came to see Louis and Claudia. Honestly, I was a lot more than glad. That didn't matter now. I had a place to go; a starting point. That was more than I had had in a long time. I was no longer floating through life. I had a purpose. It was a brief purpose but, it was a purpose.

I didn't have to walk far. There were street signs that showed me the way to the train station. I didn't have to walk far. It was only four miles. That may seem like a lot to a human, but I wasn't tired in the least. On the contrary, I was thrilled. I was that much closer to where I needed to go. I had found a bottom to the pit I was falling down at last. It gave me a place to start.

The train station was huge and elegant. It was several feet high and all the stones were expertly sculpted. I couldn't tell if the angels and gargoyles depicted any certain story or not; probably not, the pictures didn't seem to be in any particular order. The whole building was a mix between a peach and orange beige. All the sculpted figures were outlined in shining gold paint that accented the tall gold spirals at each corner of the building. The doors were huge and mahogany. They were the type of doors that made you wonder how one was to open and close them. There were black cast-iron bands of webbing that helped the door stand up straight. Each of the middle bands grasped a too-large loop handle. The mouth of the train station was about to swallow me whole. Inanimate though it was, that did not make it any less intimidating. I stared down at the ground as I took a step of the curb; I didn't want to look at it.

I stepped out into oncoming traffic. I hardly noticed the wagons that charged at me at their top speeds. I knew they would never hit. Even if they did, they wouldn't cause any damage. As I reached the other side of the street, a newspaper skittered toward me in the wind. The headline caught my eye. I bent down and snatched it up before the wind could sweep it away. I took a step back onto the side walk, neatly dodging a wagon that almost hammered me into the ground. I didn't notice the shouts from the driver as I smoothed out the paper. As the headline became clearer into view, I knew that my heart would have stopped beating if it had been beating in the first place.

_**Hey everyone! Sorry about the lack of updateage. I have been mucho busy lately. I'm going on vacation on Saturday. So, I wont be able to post for a good long while again. So sorry! I expect to see those four reviews (by different people!) when I get back if you ever want to see chapter 8!**_

_**Love Ya!**_

_**Charlotte**_


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